I was blinded by the natural daylight coming in through the window. I fought to keep my eyes open as sweat beads slowly started dripping down my back. My legs were shaking uncontrollably and my heart felt like it was going to burst through my chest and onto the beautifully decorated table.
It was Thanksgiving, the day after the biggest party night of the year. I partied a lot every night back in those days, but Thanksgiving Eve was the creme de la creme, surpassing both New Year’s Eve and St. Patrick’s day.
For everyone else the smell of the food was salivating. This was apparent as people tried to gently tear small pieces of crispy skin off of the bird. I was lucky I could smell at all and the drugs hadn’t burned a hole in my nose. The same smells that everyone seemed intoxicated by were nauseating to me.
When everyone sat down we joined hands and bowed our heads. We prayed, “Bless us, O Lord, and these, Thy gifts, which we are about to receive from Thy bounty, through Christ, our Lord. Amen.“
As I opened my eyes a deep sense of guilt and shame came over me. No one knew what my previous night entailed because I wore a permanent mask in those days, covering up the ugly truth of my addictions. I was feeling both the physical and emotional repercussions of my choices. I wished I had an appetite and could have been present with the company that surrounded me. My mind was everywhere but in the moment.
Somehow I made it through that meal and that day. A lot has changed since then and thankfully I no longer choke back sickness at holiday dinners. There is still something I have in common with that day though and that is the practice of saying grace.
Even those who do not consider themselves “religious” will say grace on certain days, like Thanksgiving, when we are surrounded by our family and friends (all 10 of them 😉 ).
Every time I say grace and every time I get excited about food (which is pretty much every time I eat or even think about eating) my favorite scripture pops into my mind.
For those who know me well it will not come as a surprise that my favorite scripture has a food reference!
Deuteronomy 8:3 says:
“He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your ancestors had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.”
This scripture dates back to the Israelites’ journey in the wilderness for 40 years. They were hungry and complaining and God provided manna for them. Today we would call this being hangry!
Most of us have experienced the feeling of being humbled (and hangry) on more than one occasion. When we are humbled, we realize that we are not all we thought we were cracked up to be and we recognize a lack. The Israelites realized for lack of a better term, they were SOL without food and could not feed themselves. They needed a miracle, and God provided one through the manna. GOD PROVIDED what they could not provide on their own accord.
I can testify that when I leave things up to my own accord, I often fail. I know that I need to rely on God for everything in my life, regardless of how big or small the task or request is. I know that regardless of how stacked my fridge is, if my spirit is depleted, I will go hungry.
We often rely on external means to fulfill ourselves or get us through tough times. I relied on drugs and thought I wouldn’t survive without them. Some people rely on alcohol or even a combination of drugs and alcohol. Some people rely on distractions through work, hobbies, or even through their children. Some rely on food for comfort. Some rely on their spouses or a friend group to make them feel complete. Some stay in abusive relationships because they feel it’s all they have. We feed off of these things in search of fulfillment, but often neglect the one unlimited resource that is always at the tip of our fingers.
I like to think that I can do it all and I pride myself on my independence. I’ve learned that God wants us to rely on Him and not ourselves. When we think we can do it all we are really saying we think we are more powerful than God.
When I don’t know what to do or when I need a moral compass, my own thinking and my own ways will lead to trouble. I know because I’ve been down this path. These days I turn to His word to guide me.
God’s word is the ultimate sustainment of life. I have lived without it and I have lived with it. Looking back I realize that I wasn’t really living, I was just surviving.
The deeper I fall into His word and the more I rely on Him, the easier it becomes to detach myself from the ways of the world and external forces that influence it. It’s easier to sleep at night and gives me freedom to know I don’t have to rely on others or external factors to feel alive and well.
I recently heard the phrase “constant state of sickness” being applied to people who never exercise or eat nutrient dense food. These folks can eat fast food every day and never know that they’re feeling unhealthy. Health conscious people who eat clean and workout daily will feel terrible after a Big Mac and Fries (even if it tasted delicious). They feel sick because they know what it feels like to feel strong and healthy.
The Word of God and His presence in someone’s life is similar. If you’ve never experienced it, you don’t realize there is a lack or something is missing. You think you are alive, but really, you’re the walking dead.
This Thursday we will sit down at our beautifully decorated tables filled with extravagant dishes of our favorite foods. Shortly after we bow our heads and give thanks in prayer, our meal will be over and the plates will be cleared. Even though we will feel full, stuffed, and even bursting at the seams, most of us will force down desert in an effort to feel the completeness of the holiday.
This Thanksgiving, let us be mindful as we give thanks before breaking bread, that the Bread of Life is Jesus Christ, and through Him we are always complete and provided for.
For every person reading this, I pray for peace, love and the openness of your heart to try something new this Thanksgiving.
You are a gifted writer my friend!